Feminine Bombast

The future of Team Wooly Mammoth: the unstoppable Katiki Forrest.

   In a supreme display of WOOLY force not witnessed since the early days of the Pleistocene period when Mammoths roamed freely across vast tundras while homosapiens were still grovelling in caves, Katiki Forrest rampaged to victory on Saturday in the quaint village known as Copperas Cove.  

   Forrest was aided on her journey to glory by the hard work of Jessica Russell who managed an 8th place finish after dutifully helping to annihilate the women's field during a brutally hot and windy race. 

   The race played out pretty much as most Texas races do when Team Wooly Mammoth is present- the field was at once terrified and intrigued by the savage power which Forrest and Russell displayed along their march to victory. 

    Russell utilized this "shock and awe" effect to perfection by going to the front of the pack early to ride any naysayers into submission.  The intimidation worked as Forrest joined her at the front of the whittled down field and proceeded to finish everyone else off, with the exception of one lone competitor.   And Forrest had plans for her.

Forrest trained in the same extreme conditions she was likely to see at Copperas Cove, and it paid off.

   As the finish line approached, the Wooly Mammoth newcomer took the win in style, narrowly edging out her rival on the line.  "Winning on a solo break is overrated, I wanted to give the fans something to remember... so I let that Rockwall Cycling rider tag along for the last few miles, but when it came down to the sprint," Forrest said, "I wasn't going to be denied... and she knew it."    

  Once she crossed the line Forrest gestured first to the Mammoth on her immaculate jersey, and then slapped her sculpted quads before pointing skyward.  "I just want Betty's femur to know how much it's missed.  We could have used its help today," she said, referring to teammate Betty Hodges' broken femur which prematurely ended her season.  

   Hodges injured her femur while stagediving at a Chastity concert in Budapest last month during a Kenny Loggins cover at the close of an epic three hour set.   

  Once she had dedicated the win to Hodges' femur, Forrest quickly ducked the doping control and headed back to the motherland with her trophy strapped to the top of the team car and the prize winnings overflowing the trunk.

Eastern European Training Camp 07

Mallorca, Madrid, and Girona. All destinations Pro-tour teams head for when winter training camps begin. The Wooly Mammoth, however, chooses to train in the harshest conditions it can find in the Ukraine in order to toughen its riders for the coming season.

This year, team co-sponsor RPM aviation provided the transportation and the race team jumped on board one of the company's luxury learjets for the long flight to north central Ukraine for some rigorous testing and training along with the usual fitting of new equipment and team meetings to finalize next season's campaign. Upon arrival on Ukrainian soil the team rendezvoused at the palatial property of international pop sensation Chastity outside the northern edge of Kiev. From this sprawling Cossack castle which Chastity has turned into a disco/multi-million euro training facility/spa, the team headed due north 50 km to reach its preferred testing terrain near Chernobyl.





TWM's dedicated group of sport scientists have performed extensive research and determined the high radiation levels still found in the atmosphere of this region naturally elevates riders' hematocrit, testosterone and blood values in general, while at the same time permanently cloaking them in a cancerous haze which obscures even the strictest of doping controls the UCI can dish out.



Traveling to and training in the Ukraine requires a special "Gold Medal" visa (of which co-capt. and novice Mig 29 pilot Benedict Wheeler won 7 of last season) which enables TWM all access to the exclusion zone around Chernobyl as well as use of its military vehicles and aircraft while in the country. Due to the team's worldwide popularity, the use of this exclusion zone means thousands of kilometers of tifosi -free riding which is a welcome change from what the riders usually experience while training elsewhere in the world.



During their winter training camp, team riders not only spent hours perfecting their positions on their machines, but also engaged in team meetings and various seminars on a range of vital topics such as: moustache wax application, the finer points of embrocation selection, and how and when to properly seduce podium girls. The foreign contingent (non-"Norwalian", the sacred tongue of Norwegians made entirely from Italian ingredients) of TWM also found themselves in language class every day after massage in order to get up to speed on the team's native tongue. This component of the camp will prove crucial to race communication during the season, as all instructions and dialogue between riders and directeurs sportif is in "Norwalian" only.

Once the typical activities of it's winter camp were completed, the final, team-building phase of TWM's training camp took place in the skies above Eastern Europe. In order to emphasize what can be achieved when two teammates work closely together, as evidenced by last season's stunning Lago Vista win, TWM directeurs sportif split the team into pairs and placed each pair in the cockpit of a Ukrainian MiG 29 jet. Traditional team-building was taken to new levels as each TWM MiG 29 took to the skies to engage and harass the local peacekeeping wing of NATO's air defense. The hours spent dogfighting forged permanent bonds between members of TWM and taught them what can be achieved by cooperation, tenacity, and of course what happens when you hit the brakes and they fly right by.



After the rigorous 10 -day winter training camp ended, TWM relaxed on the flight home with martinis and champagne and entertained each other with stories of past victories. Each rider will spend the rest of the holidays with their families while undergoing personal training and coaching at Castle Hill Fitness Studio. The team will reconvene after the new year for a mini training camp before the grueling classics season arrives.





CIAO CIAO! ///P