TWM Strikes Gold At Pace Bend

Adamo Gatas, Patricio Newellta and Jerado Believerini command the peleton at Pace Bend last Sunday

HOT kits, HOT quads, HOT wins and HOT weather…the calling card of the undefeated Wooly Mammoth boys, crusading class and bombast in their Texas spring campaign. This is what the fans come out in droves for…this is what makes the Arctic Rainbow legendary. So far this season, however, even the rookie Wooly Mammoth fan could not help but wonder, "Where are the Captains? The Golden Gods? Where are Juan-Benedicto Wheelarosa XVI and Patricio Newellta?"

The tifosi have been rabidly scouring central Texas for Wheelarosa who finally resurfaced in his native New England with a pledge to race a strictly Northern race calender this year starting with the early season Ronde de Bethel this weekend in the quaint yet brutal hamlet of Bethel, Connecticut.

As for Capt. Newellta, he has been plagued by a shoulder and groin injury accompanied by a particularly nasty strain of syphilis he suffered in a "latest-of-the-late-nights romancing of two frisky podium girls who may or may not have been girls." Patricio was forced to undergo off-season surgery and has been training in seclusion in the mountains surrounding Chastity's Ukrainian Palace.

Recent polls show that Wooly fans worldwide have profoundly missed the sinewy, tanned quads of Mr. Newellta, matched with his perpetual hunger for victory and American women. With the lamentation has come endless fan mail to the team's Norwalian base of operations, begging for the return of their hero…their beloved Patricio!

This past weekend saw a packed racing schedule in central Texas. It was Walburg on Saturday followed by Pace Bend, the Queen of the Latina Classics on Sunday. These races were set to be just like any other race of the mild Texas spring…with an easy tempo, little media coverage, and bunch sprints that were more like meetings of the local knitting and crocheting club…that was until the tifosi got wind of the registration of none other than ol' Legs of Fire himself, Patricio Newellta.

In his first race of the 2008 season, Newellta chose to test his legs in the traditionally grueling, windy early spring classic in Walburg, Texas. He arrived with few expectations other than to finish with the pack after helping his Wooly Mammoth teammates Adamo Gatas, Giordani Yango and Davide Knighto to victory. Sadly, Yango punctured early and the hard working domestique Knighto was forced to retire with Gastroenteritis, leaving Newellta to escort Gatas to the fourth place finish amidst a strong contingent of central Texas racers. Jarodo Believerini also suffered from a touch of the Gastro which has plagued several teams so far this season, and struggled in to the finish with dignity and class.

Sunday brought about the most famous of the central Texas spring classics- Pace Bend. Newellta was hungry after assessing the competition the day before and he was eager to give the tifosi what they'd been begging for- a look at his perfectly bronzed and sculpted legs along with a victory worthy of a Chastity ballad. In an epic battle that took place on the picturesque Pace Bend Park roads, Team Wooly Mammoth stamped it's authority on central Texas Racing by surviving numerous kamikaze missions by opposing teams to take home yet another gold medal.

The day went perfectly as Yango launched attack after attack to soften the field while Gatas, Believerini, Knighto and Newellta conserved energy for the finale. When called upon, Knighto diligently drove the pace and punished the field which was already reeling from Yango's escapades off the front. Gatas, Believerini and Newellta sat in perfect position going into the last lap, and the withered field looked as if it was parting for the Wooly Mammoth boys to waltz down the finishing straight to the win. In the human chess match known to some as bike racing, looks can be deceiving, and the merciless peloton wasn't through with the boys in white just yet.

Click here to witness Believerini's fall from grace.

As the Polar Express gathered speed down the final 250 meters of the race, two separate riders tried unsuccessfully to derail the inevitable. Yes, Newellta and the Wooly Mammoth boys took home gold once again, it may not have been pretty, but it was the stuff of legend.

Click here and scroll all the way to the right for the carnage packed photo sequence and grand finale.